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Sunday, April 15, 2012

Five Guys Burgers Proves It's Hard To Make a Good Burger

I love burgers but I'm not a burger snob.  OK, yes, I love gourmet burgers with bleu cheese and kobe beef, but I also love the little McDonalds burgers that looked like someone sat on them first.  Basically, I set my burger bar pretty low.  Pretty, pretty low.

Five Guys Burgers opened in my neighborhood a while back but I've resisted going because I've gotten some pretty darn good burgers at Third Corner and frankly, I am always a bit suspect whenever you walk into a place and every poster on the wall and hanging from the ceiling says "Best burger in town as voted by ___________ (fill in the blank with the name of some city in the middle of the US)".  A bit like Tamra saying she's the hottest housewife in the OC - once you say it, it's probably not true.

Anyway, so here's the drill so you don't feel like an idiot.  When you order you tell them what you want on the burger and all toppings are included.  Onions, mushrooms peppers, condiments, you pick.  They are kind enough to tell you that the fries serve two and the service was super nice.  Feeling good.  I order and spend a bit of time trying to figure out the Coke machine and then wow, look!

Barrels of peanuts!  Free!  All you can eat!  OK, liking this.  But I didn't want to fill up as I ordered a "little burger", which is really just a single patty burger.

This is a $4 burger and weighs in at 480 calories, probably even more since I asked for mayo on the burger.  Now for comparison, a regular burger at In N Out is 390 calories and for the 480 you can upgrade to a cheeseburger.  I don't mind the calories as long as the food is worth it.  So I take a bite and I'm back in high school!  No, I'm not saying I was all happy and nostalgic, I'm saying this darn thing tasted like a crappy high school cafeteria burger!  The bun was sort of steamed, the burger tasteless, the mayo had that artificial sweet taste like they used Miracle Whip, it was meh. And I'm being nice.  Shoot, how many calories again?

Let's rip open that bag of fries.

You should know me by now, I love fries and unlike burgers I am very particular about fries.  Well, these actually passed the test.  A lot like Boardwalk fries, you do get a ton of them and I loved that they had malt vinegar to sprinkle on top.  Crispy, salty, a hit.

As we were finishing up their staff quickly comes by and takes the wrappers off the table and thanks us and smiles, which is nice.  But good fries, free peanuts and a nice staff can't make up for a lousy burger, and at $16 for two for lunch (2 little burgers, one order of fries, 2 small drinks) it's just too expensive and not worth the calories.

Now I want a Double Double to reaffirm my love for burgers.  Damn, I hate that.

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