Have It MY Way! Local Wally Creates the Ultimate Burger

I think we've all gotten stupider in the past few years.  Why else would Trader Joes sell pre-cooked white rice in frozen little cups?  And seriously, who buys those pre-cooked hard boiled eggs?  I mean, how much longer before there's pre-packaged hot water ("Just Heat In Microwave For Steaming Hot Water!")  This all comes back to my belief that it's not hard to make a good burger but somehow we've allowed ourselves to be duped into thinking it's as impossible as building a submarine or doing the Macarena all the way through.  We gladly pay $9, $13, even more for a burger!  Well Local Wally is going to save you from BS (burger stupidity) and show you how it's done.

Start with good quality meat that's at least 15% fat.  I used natural grass fed beef.  It has sort of a lamb-like flavor but if you want regular mad cow style meat, go for it - as long as it's a) fatty, b) not preformed, and 3) not frozen.  Costco premade burgers?  You making burgers for the soccer team picnic?  That's the only reason to go that route.

Now form burger into patties.  Do not handle it too much, do not compress it, keep it loose, baby.

FOODTV MYTHBUSTERS:  No, you do not have to put butter in the middle to keep it moist.  No, you don't have to fill it with cheese to keep it moist.  Sorry Bobby Flay, busted.  And FoodTV, do we really need all those shots of FoodTV hosts washing their hands?  WE GET IT ALREADY!

Salt and pepper it.  Use Kosher salt and don't be too skimpy with the salt.  What, you've got high blood pressure?  Give it up, we're going deeper.  What's that delicious smell? 

Why, it's bacon.  Cooking in a frying pan, not in a microwave.  If you haven't cooked bacon the old fashioned way in a while, try it today.  Nothing better than cooking in fat.  Which brings us to the next step.  Let's cook them burgers in some of that bacon fat.  What?  Wait? No grill?  No charcoal?  Nope, cook old school.

Sizzling in fat, your house should now smell like an old diner, the smell in your clothes and hair should have every dog dog in the neighborhood following you.  Whatever you do, don't overcook it.  It should still have some pink in it.  If you want it well done, forgetaboutit! Time to assemble.

Wait, I forgot to tell you about the bun.  Don't buy those crummy $.99 cent buns.  Don't buy those ridiculous giant $4 buns.  Buy Kaiser rolls and cut them in half yourself, buttah them with real butter, and place butter down in a frying pan to melt and crisp.  Crisp.  Got that?  Now pile on the condiments.  I like a bit of Thousand Island but at this point it's pretty hard to screw it up.  Look at that bacon!  Look at that cheese!!  Look at that fat dripping off the meat into the bun!!

Look at it.  It's a work of art!  Look at all those great textures, from the crispy bun and bacon to the succulent meat and gooey cheese.  Let's see the other burger to check quality control.

Oh no, it was built upsidedown!!!  Put that burger down and let's get one last shot before the first bite!

Oh man oh man, some healthy oven baked fries to balance out the meal, this is looking darn good.  You can tell just by looking at that bun that this isn't going to be some crummy dry burger.  What, you want the fries recipe?  OK, cut potatoes into small fries shape, toss with veggie oil, put in oven on pre-oiled cookie sheet at 425 degrees and toss now and then.  Not quite as good as real double fried fries, but not bad at all.  So let's do it, the money shot!

Best burger I have eaten in, well, maybe my entire life!  And I did it at home just using a bit of common sense and not worrying about whether it's healthy (it's not) or good for you (it's not).  Sure, it's probably about 35% fat and 1,200 calories (maybe more!) but when was the last time you had a burger this good?  I bet never.  Go do it.  Tell your spouse you're going to make a special meal and when you come home from the store with stuff to make burgers and get that look, just smile and know that by the end of the night you're going to be promoted to the Real Burger King.

Wally's Got It!  www.localwally.com
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