I want iPhone... I don't care

If you are watching this at work, make sure the boss isn't around and that you are not drinking milk as you will have it coming out of your nose, guaranteed! You won't just LOL, you really will laugh out loud!

Things that Drive Me Nuts

So I was at a restaurant the other day and saw this on the menu:  "DELICIOUS CHICKEN, A FULL QUARTER CHICKEN!" and stupid me, I'm thinking "Wow, I hope I can eat all that!"  Of course, once the plate arrived I was deeply disappointed because a "quarter chicken" is really just a drumstick and a thigh, which if still connected is not even two pieces.  Man, I could eat 4 of these, but I guess that would a whole chicken.  Well, a weird whole chicken since it would have 4 legs, but that would be a sight to see.

I have the same issue with JUMBO COLOSSAL SHRIMP. Give me 5, maybe 6 of those babies!  Wait - since when did 45 shrimp to a pound equate to JUMBO COLOSSAL?  What am I, a Smurf?  And since I'm on a roll, whenever I go to Starbucks I order a "Tall" which is a "small", and always send it back.  "Excuse me, I said TALL, not SMALL" and then let them try to explain the logic behind their naming scheme.  They can't because IT MAKES NO SENSE!  Would you say "meet my TALL girlfriend" and then bring out a midget, err, little person?  And really, not to be offensive but isn't "midget" a much cuter description than "little people"?

Speaking of offending people, my brother in law actually told a joke that you can repeat in front of African Americans, Homosexuals, Lesbians, Mexicans, even Muslims.  Here goes:

A guy walks into the psychiatrists office naked wearing nothing but Saran Wrap.  The psychiatrist takes one look and says "I can clearly see your nuts".

And that's how we start our Mondays around here.

Things to Think About Today....

Have you ever had Top Ramen for breakfast?  It's the best.  Cook it in a saucepan and eat it right from the pan, yes sir, that's the proper way to eat it.  I started eating Top Ramen in the pan sometime when I was in junior high school.  Can you think of a better $.20 meal?  OK, sometimes it's $.29 when it's not on sale but seriously, what can you buy these days for $.29?  Cup O Noodles is $.50 and you only get half the noodles and a pea, a couple kernels of corn, and sometimes a spongy floating mystery thing.  That's a rip off!  Well, I guess you get to keep the cup.  That's something.

And did you know they renamed "Cup O Noodles" to "Cup Noodles"?  Whassup wid dat?  That's not only poor English but it doesn't make sense.  Dropping the "O" opens up a giant can of worms.  I mean can worms.  See what I mean?

Andy the Puppy Movie, a Masterpiece

ANOTHER GREAT SHORT FILM BY LOCAL WALLY PRODUCTIONS!

I just watched The Godfather for the first time.  Really, I did.  It's quite the masterpiece, I especially liked the horse head in the bed (man, that guy must be a sound sleeper not to notice someone slipping a giant decapitated horse head down by his feet) and Marlon Brando is like Superman - you can shoot him 5 times in the chest and he's OK! 

Of course the movie is not without flaws.  For one, it's too long.  Two, I didn't get why the silly looking people on the planet protecting the tree trusted the obviously fake version of themselves - wait, that was Avatar, one of the worst movies ever made.  Anyway, too long, yes, way too long.  So when I went out to make my movie inspired by The Godfather, I said "3 minutes, that's it".  That's right, 3 hours of prime puppy footage edited down to 2:54.  I cut out the squirrel head scene, which was quite powerful but obviously just pandering to the audience. 

I think it's pretty good, pretty pretty good.  Perhaps not as good as The Godfather, but from what I've heard it can't be any worse than The Godfather III. And way better than Avatar, for sure.

Healthy Eating at the San Diego Fair (and other fairy tales)

Last year I had Fried Frog's Legs at the fair and they sucked.  Battered toothpicks would have been easier to eat, and meatier too.  I decided to pay closer attention to my food options this year.  Hot dog coated in hash browns and deep fried?  Battered fried potatoes with nacho sauce and topped with Ranch dressing?  How about Fried Butter?  I know, it all sounds good.  Wait, for reals?

I've been floating this idea around for what would make a great fair food.  How about deep fried chicken skins?  A whole bag of them!  With spicy seasonings and dipped in Ranch?  Come on, you know you would order them.  I had some friends over for lunch the other day and the healthy eating guy who really only eats healthy when his wife is watching but otherwise eats like he's still living in Texas pulled off his chicken skin, which was promptly snatched by the guy sitting next to him quicker than a lizard's tongue grabbing a moth.  "WHAAAA????!!" he exclaimed!  He wasn't tossing the skin, he was saving it for the last savory bite.  See, chicken skins would be BIG, BIG, BIG!  And it's my idea, you heard it first at Local Wally.

I was really interested in the pork chop on a stick, but then I started thinking that maybe it was just a pork chop...on a stick!  Maybe if they wrapped turkey skin all around it and deep fried it.  Wait, a big bag of Fried Turkey Skin for the health conscience!  Damn, I'm onto something here.  With a butter dipping sauce?  Mmmmm.  Anyway, whas wid Tasty Chips charging $6 for a basket of fried potato chips?  $4 for an ear of corn?  Don't those things grow in the dirt?  Maybe they're organic?  Yeah, that's got to be it.

I settled for the fried chicken at the BBQ place - you know, the big BBQ place. I know it wasn't on a stick but it had fried chicken skin right on the chicken so I knew it would be good, and it was.  And since everyone wants a tip, for a mere $7 you get a basket of fries with a wing (the complete wing, not a wing part which is totally cheating), a breast (super moist), a drumstick (can't complain), and an extra juicy (greasy) thigh that dang it if my wife didn't grab and then try to wipe the grease off of it!  Luckily, she pulled the skin off which I grabbed faster than Andy the puppy.  Mmmmm.  Wow, another great idea - once the Bag of Skins fad dies down, I'll move to DEEP FRIED BATTERED CHICKEN SKINS, like fried chicken only without the meat.  Let me know if you want franchise information right now!

Sadly, the rest of the fair was a huge disappointment since the Lady Who Collects Cat Whiskers Collection was not there.  Maybe she ate too much fried food.

Puppy Facebook

Facebook is a funny thing.  Let's face it, at least half of the attraction is looking at pics of old friends and being able to say that they look horrible - much fatter, much grayer, much older than you.  And you with with the profile pic of yourself from the 80's, you're not fooling anyone!  Mullet in 2010?  You still got my Culture Club tape?

But what if puppies had Facebook?  How cool would that be?  The other day poor little Andy had to go to the vet to get "fixed".  When we were picking him out there were two pups that caught our eye. We tormented back and forth on which pup to pick, wondering which one would be the best. "Peanut" was a golden lab colored cutie, and "Pinto" was the, well, pinto bean colored one.

Guess who we run into at the vet?  A golden colored dog that looked surprisingly like Andy.  Turned out Peanut, now better known as Lucas, was getting "tutored" on the same day.  The pups had a great time reminiscing about their 13 siblings, compared notes on how life's been treating them (surprisingly well, btw), and promised to keep in touch.  And they both looked fabulous, as they say.  A little older and a few more wispy whiskers, just like Mom.

Sometimes things work out just fine.

Stone Brewery Tour Video

LOCAL WALLY PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS AN AWESOME VIDEO

Thanks for Stone Brewery for letting me crash their tour!  I learned a lot on the tour, including the following:

• Scotch tastes like poison / If you acquire the taste for scotch you have accomplished something
• It's OK to make fun of Scientology
• Beer is good for you

Hope you enjoy the vid!  Thanks to my daughter Beth who shot and edited this for me!

I'll Think So You Don't Have To

I turned 35 over the weekend.  Or was it 53, I can't remember.  I started thinking about all the stuff I had learned over the years.  Seriously, it could fill a book or maybe even a website if I added pictures.  I decided to pay special attention and to write down the most important new stuff I learned and to pass it on to you, free of charge.

Let's start with the Padres.  I went to the game Friday night and made a huge mistake at the concession stand.  Instead of a hot dog I ordered a fish taco.  From Rubio's, or should I say "Rubio's" as it has absolutely no resemblance to the fish tacos sold at his restaurants.  The cabbage was on the bottom (whas wid dat?), the fish was some sort of flat, pre-formed fishstick pancake, and the sauce, crap, there was at least a quarter cup of extra, extra mild "salsa" on top, making the whole thing a gooey wet mess.  Horrible.  Yo Ralph, you try one of these things with your name on it?  THEY SUCK!  You owe me $4!

I also learned that if you sit in the cheap seats at a night game, bring a blanket. One for each person because if you are short one, you won't get one.  That's just how it works.

The next day I went to Stone Brewery to go on the brewery tour and learned something very important. The tours are free but they "sell out" exactly 2 hours in advance and you must be there with your entire party to get a reservation ticket and the only thing to do there for 2 hours while you wait is to eat a $13 burger.  If you're sitting around on the couch and say "we'd better go" and the lazy person next to you says "nah, we got time" you should just leave him home.  As for the tour, a special shout out to Stone for squeezing me in since I was the guy who said "nah, we have time" and got there after it was sold out.  

Here's one for the tourists reading this blog and thinking "Hey, I thought this guy was the San Diego expert but all he writes about are stupid things".  OK, so this one is for you.  June Gloom is real.  Since June 1st my backyard has clocked no more than 4 hours of sunshine. I read somewhere that this is all George Bush's fault and that June Gloom is the result of his failed policies, but I don't know nothing about that.

One Man's Trash is Now My Trash

How do I get myself into things like this?  I'm minding my own business when I find myself at a garage sale looking at a box of beat up 45's.  I dig a bit and, damn, are those Beatle 45's?  CCR?  Sam & Dave?  I'm thinking to myself I found the motherlode.

"How much?" I ask.  (Pleeease don't say $100, please don't say $200!!)
"How much do you want to pay?  I don't know how much they're worth" she replies.  (devil ears start growing)
"I dunno, I mean, these are pretty trashed...." I respond (Pinnochio nose growing)  "I guess I'd give you, ummm, $20 for the box?"  (Keep a straight face, come on, you can do it...)
"Well, they're not mine.  Let me call.  Here, I'll put you on speakerphone", she says.  (She's suspicious, she wants to kick my ass out of her garage)
MAN ANSWERS PHONE - She asks how much and he says....
"How about $10 for the entire box?"  (Thank you God)
WOMAN GLARING AT ME / ME PULLING OUT A $20 "Ya got change?" (pushing it now)

Right now I'm listening to Diana Ross and the Supremes singing "Stone Love" under a blanket of hiss and static and life is wonderful, isn't it?

Welcome to my World

I could have been a doctor.  How do I know this?  Because I can easily self-diagnose my problems way before a real doctor can.  For example, I recently discovered I have ADD.  You know, Attention Deficit Disorder.  It doesn't matter if I'm sitting in the front row of a Financial Seminar that will change my life or listening to an incredible once in a lifetime timeshare opportunity, my mind just starts wandering.

I start thinking about things like whether Aunt Jemima could kick Mrs. Butterworths butt.

Don't laugh, I think Mrs. Butterworth can be one cruel Desperate Housewife. She's messing with Jemima, spreading rumors about liposuction and facelifts.  And maybe she's right.  Jemima is looking pretty good these days, pretty pretty good.  I mean, look at her older photos and look at her now.  She looks 50 years younger!

And what's with Popping Fresh? 

Destination Hot Dog

How did we get to the point where we would shell out $10 for a plate of fried calimari - squid - and not bat an eyelash.  Or toss back pieces of sashimi like Shamu, not even thinking that each bite cost $4?

Yesterday I found myself in Temecula at a place called The Hot Dog Shoppe.  You gotta love a guy who says when he was a kid he thought that the best job in the world would be selling hot dogs - and who gave up his business suits to live out his dream. Life's too short to be truly miserable.  A little miserable is OK, but full time miserable is, well, miserable.

Five bucks got me a pint of ice cold draught beer - my favorite, PBR - and a Cajun dog.  I added a Reuben Dog, which is an odd sort of combination of a hot dog piled with pastrami, swiss cheese, kraut, and a pickle. Crazy good delicious, what a deal at $3.75.  I added some fries that were good enough that they didn't need ketchup - that is, by the way, my pet peeve.  You should never smother good fries in ketchup.  It's not the law, but it should be. 

Anyway, the food here reminded me that good food doesn't have to be expensive, you don't always need to "acquire a taste for it", sometimes good food just tastes good.  And man oh man, did this food taste good!

Recently I found myself at a nice restaurant, not a top of the line extravagant but a nice place.  The meal set me back $180 for two.  It was good, really good, but better than the $5 special at The Hot Dog Shoppe?  Well, maybe a little better, but it will be a long time before I can go back for a meal that expensive.  In the meantime you might find me at The Hot Dog Shoppe trying their other specialty dogs, one by one.  That Texas Style Chili Dog with mustard and chopped onions is sounding pretty good.

Maybe Fleetwood Mac and Jackson Browne Don't Suck

I've gone retro.  Why not?  With my paycheck going back in time faster than a DeLorean I figured it was time to get back to basics so I dusted off the old turntable - you know, the one I spent a small fortune on in 1984 when the salesman said "CD's are fine but you'll always want a turntable for serious listening".  Yeah, right, and someday Hall and Oates will be popular again.  D'oh!

So I moved aside the Apple TV to make way for the turntable.  Wait, where's the CD player that kicked the turntable out to pasture in the first place?  Gone, gone, gone.  My entire music collection is digitized and streaming through the wifi air, pestering everyone from neighbors to future aliens with huge satellite discs looking for life on other planets.

Music today basically sucks.  I've been saying that since 1974, which was the year "Kung Fu Fighting" was on the charts - Hooo!  Ahhh!  Awww, that just plain sucks.

But now that I have a turntable again, I need records to play.  I gave away hundreds of pristine quality anal retentively cleaned albums in the 90's thinking I would never want them again, but here I am at Lou's Records looking at trashed $.99 albums.  You can see when people come in to sell their entire collection - complete collections of crappy albums by Al Jarreau, Barbara Streisand, $.99!  I was thinking back to the dorm days and the albums back then that were popular but sucked.  Jackson Browne's "Running on Empty" sucked.  $.99?  Fleetwood Mac?  They really sucked.  $.99.  How about Leo Sayer?  "You Make Me Feel Like Dancin'"?  Well, that's pushing it.  So I plopped down my two bucks and went home with two albums I hated in college.

The needle goes down.  The pops and clicks are loud and clear.  The music starts... and surprise, it doesn't suck, not as much as Lady Gaga or American Idol.  OMG, it actually isn't bad when you compare it to music today.  Wait, did I get that Leo Sayer?  Damn, I hope it's still there.  Behind that America album, next to "Frampton Comes Alive".  And is that a Captain and Tennile album?  That can't still suck, right?